Food for Scattered Thought
Here's the truth.
These past 6 months, maybe even more, have been some of the hardest months of my life. There were so many days of breaking into tears, getting angry for no apparent reason, tearing apart friendships because I wanted to tear something apart, yelling at God, crying out of frustration, banging my steering wheel while going on long drives and weeping and screaming. It wasn't pretty.
And I would like to tell you how I came out having learned so much about patience, and mercy, and love, and joy in the midst of pain.
And yeah, maybe I did learn a bit. But I can't tell you that. I think I came out an uglier mess than I was when I went in.
But here's what I have learned.
The Lord gives you people. And not how you expected.
He gives you friends who listen to you cry and rant and seethe, and have to walk away for a bit before they can come back and love the crap out of you.
He gives you friends who speak the cold hard truth over you.
He gives you a boyfriend who is so willing to talk things through with you, but who also knows the perfect ways to distract you and make you a happy that you forgot you could be.
They say the Lord works in mysterious ways.
Man.
They're right.
Because if someone came up to me and asked me what the Lord has been teaching me these past few months. I might just stare blankly at them for a hot second before making up some christian answer.
Don't judge me.
You know you've done it once or twice.
But it's the truth.
I've hit a wall.
I faked it for a bit.
Said the Christian answer to some friends. Cried and vented to other friends.
But here's the ugly truth.
I haven't learned much.
Sure, I've learned some.
I've learned that dance has become my identity. I've learned that every system is flawed. I've learned that what you grow up being taught, might end up flying out some window somewhere. I've learned that all people are flawed, no matter how perfect you may think they are. I've learned that love is ugly sometimes.
Now, you're looking at that list, thinking I've learned all the wrong things.
You're not wrong.
In fact. Welcome to my last few months.
So what's the point in all this?
Here's my point.
Life is ugly.
Life is hard.
But God is still God. He is still good. He is still sovereign in every situation. Whether we see it or not.
And to continue with my brutal honesty. There are alot of days where I have a very hard time believing that God is sovereign in everything.
I thought I was called to dance, but have been dancing injured and broken for quite some time, so where is God in that?
I honestly don't know.
But He's there. Being God. Not letting me fall completely.
How? Because He gives me people. He gives me little reminders.
Like when I'm told that my identity isn't just a dancer, to someone I deeply care about. When I'm told that no matter where life takes me, I always have the support and love of my deepest and truest friends. When I'm reminded that whether I believe it every day or not, the Lord works for the good of His people who love and follow Him.
So yeah.
I'm a mess.
But I'm a mess with a support system.
So maybe I haven't learned some profound Christian truth.
But I've learned a good deal of random life truths.
And I think that to me, and to God, that's okay for now.
With all the messes in the world,
the girl who isn't really learning all too much.
These past 6 months, maybe even more, have been some of the hardest months of my life. There were so many days of breaking into tears, getting angry for no apparent reason, tearing apart friendships because I wanted to tear something apart, yelling at God, crying out of frustration, banging my steering wheel while going on long drives and weeping and screaming. It wasn't pretty.
And I would like to tell you how I came out having learned so much about patience, and mercy, and love, and joy in the midst of pain.
And yeah, maybe I did learn a bit. But I can't tell you that. I think I came out an uglier mess than I was when I went in.
But here's what I have learned.
The Lord gives you people. And not how you expected.
He gives you friends who listen to you cry and rant and seethe, and have to walk away for a bit before they can come back and love the crap out of you.
He gives you friends who speak the cold hard truth over you.
He gives you a boyfriend who is so willing to talk things through with you, but who also knows the perfect ways to distract you and make you a happy that you forgot you could be.
They say the Lord works in mysterious ways.
Man.
They're right.
Because if someone came up to me and asked me what the Lord has been teaching me these past few months. I might just stare blankly at them for a hot second before making up some christian answer.
Don't judge me.
You know you've done it once or twice.
But it's the truth.
I've hit a wall.
I faked it for a bit.
Said the Christian answer to some friends. Cried and vented to other friends.
But here's the ugly truth.
I haven't learned much.
Sure, I've learned some.
I've learned that dance has become my identity. I've learned that every system is flawed. I've learned that what you grow up being taught, might end up flying out some window somewhere. I've learned that all people are flawed, no matter how perfect you may think they are. I've learned that love is ugly sometimes.
Now, you're looking at that list, thinking I've learned all the wrong things.
You're not wrong.
In fact. Welcome to my last few months.
So what's the point in all this?
Here's my point.
Life is ugly.
Life is hard.
But God is still God. He is still good. He is still sovereign in every situation. Whether we see it or not.
And to continue with my brutal honesty. There are alot of days where I have a very hard time believing that God is sovereign in everything.
I thought I was called to dance, but have been dancing injured and broken for quite some time, so where is God in that?
I honestly don't know.
But He's there. Being God. Not letting me fall completely.
How? Because He gives me people. He gives me little reminders.
Like when I'm told that my identity isn't just a dancer, to someone I deeply care about. When I'm told that no matter where life takes me, I always have the support and love of my deepest and truest friends. When I'm reminded that whether I believe it every day or not, the Lord works for the good of His people who love and follow Him.
So yeah.
I'm a mess.
But I'm a mess with a support system.
So maybe I haven't learned some profound Christian truth.
But I've learned a good deal of random life truths.
And I think that to me, and to God, that's okay for now.
With all the messes in the world,
the girl who isn't really learning all too much.
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