Today is Today, and That's That

As I sit here at one of my many happy places (Red Twig, I'm looking at you), I can't help but think that there is so much to write about.
Over the past year, heck, even the past month (let's not reach too big too soon, right?), I feel as though I've aged about ten years.

I can hear the eye rolls from here, people.

It's true. I believe that everyone walks through times in their life that serve as a real maturing season. For some people, this might be their whole life, for others - maybe it's only a day or two.

I'm not quite sure where I land on that spectrum. But I will say that I feel as though 2019 was my "life slaps on your big girl panties for you", year. Sounds weird, I know.

As I've said before, this blog has become my safe space. A space where I can share with whoever is out there, (probably just my mom and sister in laws, let's be real) a bit of my journey and all that I have or haven't learned.

Now those of you who maybe don't know me quite that well (hugely assuming that I have some huge following or something - which I know I don't)...I am very much a verbal processor. I've often wondered if on my many coffee dates that I go on with friends, if anyone ever thinks "yeesh...this girl talks a big talk, and she makes it sound like she's the world's wisest sage".

Now, a few things: I can guarantee you no one actually think of me as an old wise sage, and I can probably bet that people don't even think that hard about what I do or don't say.

But my point being, there are many times where, as I'm talking, it's as if I'm the other person on the other side of the table, or couch, or wherever I am, listening to this person talk.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about how the Lord speaks to me, lately. And to be quite honest, sometimes I think he speaks to me through my own words. Sounds weird, I know. Sounds conceded, trust me, I know.

But hear me out.

You know those out of body moments, where time and space just seem super weird, and you feel like for a moment, you live in an alternate reality? (hopefully someone out there knows what I'm talking about)

That's kind of what happens during my conversations sometimes. It's as if I'm talking about my issues, or things I've learned, but instead of this being the thousandth time I talk or think about it, it's the first time I've heard this, and it almost becomes like I'm giving myself advice.

Now that was all a huge rabbit trail to just let you know that this will probably be one of those times.
So before we get into it, here is a picture of happy place #1.

Let's call it like it is: sometimes life sucks.

Everything goes wrong, everything is miserable, and nothing brings you joy.

I just walked through that season.
So here's a few things I learned from walking through that season:

1. Cry

Honestly, I think crying is so overrated. During this season, I made up a good "Shower Songs" playlist, that I would blast while in the shower, and I would just weep. Sob. Uncontrollably. And to be honest, it was such a release. I would keep it together for my kiddos at the dance studio, and then I would get in the car and instantly release everything I was holding back. And I think that honestly made the process quicker.

2. It's okay to eat your feelings sometimes

This sounds terrible, I know. But hey. Sometimes, it's what's healthiest for you. For me, if I had starved myself, or gone on some crazy diet, I wouldn't have allowed myself to truly grieve. But for me personally, I gave myself freedom to do whatever was going to allow me to feel what I needed to feel.

3. But then, you have to pick yourself and do Whole30

Again, this is all just what I learned. After eating my feelings, once my mind was starting to heal, it was time for my body to follow. I just finished Whole30 this past month, and although it isn't about loosing weight, I lost around 20 pounds. But it wasn't even just the pounds that I lost. I felt as if I had lost about 200 pounds because of how much lighter I felt. That simple act of making a conscious decision to eat healthier, helped my mind follow suit.

Let's pause here to say a few things, and to show you a picture.
Weight loss is not the point of whole30, and that is not why I did it. I show this picture, and share this bit to encourage you that sometimes healthy looks different. Because on the left, that was a different version of healthy. That was a healthy where I wasn't obsessing over my body, and I was just making sure I was surviving. But on the right, is a different kind of healthy where I felt lighter not only in weight, but in my mindset, in my spiritual walk with the Lord, and in gosh so many other different ways.

Moving on....

4. Cry, Scream, Fight, and Plead with the Lord

Y'all...I can't even tell you how many times I yelled and cursed at the Lord. I begged for answers, begged for my circumstances to change, for Him to take away the pain and hurt and betrayal I felt. I had fits of crying and not being able to breath. I had nights where I had to clutch my chest because it hurt so bad, and I felt as if I was at the hem of the Lord's cloak, begging and pleading, and He was just standing there. If there was a hidden camera in my car, you would all genuinely believe I was out of my mind.

5. But God shows up

Even though there were so many times I felt like the Lord wasn't there, or He didn't care, or He was causing all of this suffering, He showed up. I would have a wretched night, but then would force myself to church, or to community group, or I would force myself to confide in a friend, and He showed up. In so many different ways. And it was honestly incredible to be a part of.

6. Do Fun Things

Once you start to get a better grip on yourself (and even sometimes when you don't have a grip), allow yourself to laugh, to go have fun, to enjoy something. Joy can sometimes feel like a chore. And honestly, sometimes it is. But when you let yourself laugh at a joke, in the midst of a cry fest, it breaks a bit of that bondage that you have been suffering. I started to be okay with doing things by myself. I had tried so many times to do this throughout the past three years, but it never felt good. But now it was just me and the Lord. And it felt so peaceful to just dwell on the fact that I was allowed to have fun by myself, and I could enjoy my own company.

Some fun things:

7. Find Happy Places. And if you can't find any, MAKE THEM.

I won't tell a lie. I do not like the town I live in. It feels very dark, and I realized that I had a lot of painful memories attached to it, and I just wanted out. But, #LeaseAgreements
So I CHOSE to make my room my happy place. And now, I love it. Sometimes, I don't even want to leave my room because it makes me so happy. (but that's a whole other can of worms, so I usually make sure to leave my room at some point)
I have a lot of random places around the area that I like to frequent, and I labeled them my happy places, which made me frequent them more often, because I knew I needed some warmth and happiness in my day to day life.
(she says as she sits at Red Twig for the third time this week)

Shameless plug for my cute happy place of a room:

8. PEOPLE ARE JUST THE BEST

I cannot stress this enough.
Reach out to your friends. Friends from a long time ago, lifelong friends, new friends, random friends, and all of the rest.
And when you have a family that supports and loves you, thank them. Love them, let them love you, and don't feel bad about it. And be like Rory Gilmore and say "I need my mommy, and dammit I don't care who knows it" - because GOD BLESS MY MOTHER. That could be a whole blog post in itself.

9. It is okay to have rough days

The past month has been such a great month, but I have moments and days that are rough. And that is okay. Not every day is going to be great. You may have a new disappointment that crops up, and it's alright to be upset about it. It's okay to cry because of past hurt. Sometimes you need a day to watch Gilmore Girls and get too emotional and end up balling your eyes out and then laughing at yourself for getting so caught up in fake people's lives. This phrase has become such a solace for me recently: "It's okay to not be okay". If Jesus had rough days where He wept, I think we're allowed to have rough days.

10. But then keep going

Life is such a wonderful journey. If we let our circumstances and past hurts keep us in bondage going forward, we will never experience the fullness of life that we are supposed to. So yes, life sucks sometimes. But we have a new chance every single day. So maybe it's time for us to leave our past in the past, and walk forward in faith that today is a new day, and a new chance for a new life.

Because that's what Jesus promises. His mercies and new EVERY MORNING.
That means that even if you screwed up yesterday, walk in a new light today!

So my life right now consists of taking each day as it comes. Because if you try to look back, or look too far forward, you will get overwhelmed. Instead, maybe try getting coffee at Red Twig, and resting in the fact that today is today, and that's that.

Because sometimes that's how simple life is. And sometimes, that's all you can take.

With all the caffeine and lightness in the world,
             the girl who is just here for the coffee and Jesus, right here, right now.

*trying this new things where I love myself in whatever state I am. So here's me sharing that journey with you.