About two years, actually.
But here's some thoughts as I sit on an uncomfy pew, with a broken back, a troubled heart, and quite honestly, a non willing spirit to try and take this dance class in fear that I will fail again.
I cannot change people. I can only change myself. It's not up to me to upkeep both my relationship with the Lord, and other people's relationship with the Lord. I need to focus on my walk with the Lord, and my discipleship to the Lord. That's my goal. That's my aim. For ME to be more like Jesus. Yes, I am to make disciples. But not disciples of me. Disciples of Jesus. It's my goal to point others to Jesus. And if I'm trying to fix everyone, that's not what is going to be accomplished. The Lord corrects. I can be a mouthpiece for His correction. But it is not my job to correct. I can pray for people. But not out of a selfish and arrogant spirit. It has to be done out of love. And not worldly love. The love that Jesus has for us. That is the same love that I am to love others with. The same love I am to pray for them with. The same love I am to correct them with, if the Lord so chooses to use me as His mouthpiece. I cannot do anything of my own will. I cannot get a job solely because of me. If I get a job because of my personality-the Lord created me. If I get a job because of my past experiences- the Lord's favor. I cannot figure out housing on my own, and in my own strength. If I even figure it out, it is because the Lord is my provider, and my shelter. It is not my job to get through life. My life goal is to rely on Jesus, to love Him with everything I am, to show Him to others through my life. And trying to change people is the opposite of that. That's not me loving them. That's not me relying on Jesus. He is refining me. And that is what I am to focus on. I cannot tell other people how to live. As soon as I do that, I am living life with a selfish and arrogant goal: to change people into the person I want them to be. But that's not what the Lord wants for them. The Lord wants them to be like Him. Afterall. He is perfect. I am not.
So now the question of if I am ready to take on this lesson. If I am ready to accept people for who they are, and to not get offended if they do not do what I think they should do. I read a Myers Briggs "what people wish your personality type would stop doing" As an ISFP, mine was "to stop taking everything so. Damn. Personally." I asked my roommate if that was true. She tried to beat around the bush, and say not always-the sweet thing. God Bless her soul. As I laid in bed and thought about it, ai realized it was true. And I think that part of that is because I want people to change. Which is so wrong. That is the most unloving, un-Christ like thing to do. So will I trust in the Lord, and trust that He is changing me, and that is all I should focus on? To this I cannot say anything but: challenge accepted.
Lord help me.
with a broken body,
the girl who is learning every day (trying to)