The Next Mr. God

It's a hard concept, love. A hard thing to accept.

Love has always been a part of my life of course, because my family is just the absolute best, and despite what life heaves in our direction, love has always remained. However in relationships, love has not been my number one fan.

For those of you who do not intimately know me, I have had a few run ins with troublesome boys and troublesome relationships with said boys. Now before you think anything, let me assure you that it was probably only about 15% on them, if even at all. "What?" well let's just say that my precious Jesus has saved me from myself and has redeemed me. My younger self was not very focused on anything but boys, therefore causing the want for love to consume my life.

My roommate told me of a quote that reads, "whatever you think about most, that's your god" (sorry-I don't know who said that so I can't give proper rights, but it wasn't me) So let's just say that my younger self…boys were my god.

And I wish the story ends here and I could say, "and then I grew up and everything was fine" and everyone says "HA". If only right? But no. I have come to realize that my view of love is quite very much so messed up. Yes. As messed up as that sentence. I held on to so many boys for my view of myself, and then they got too close and it scared me, and then somewhere in the mix, all the emotions got tangled up and confused, and then bye-bye boy. And bye-bye my view of love. Or so I thought, until the next mr god came along. And so went the cycle.

And not even just for boys. The same with my friends. Things were always so messed up. I could never get friendships or relationships right.

But then something happened.

I got to the point that I had had enough, so I begged and pleaded with God for love.

And so now I'm at Paradosi.

It's the strangest thing. God constantly has to remind me that I can't shut myself off to what He's doing in my life. He reminds me through His word, through songs, through other people, through actions, through dancing, through worshipping.

And I am so grateful. Because let me tell you something that you probably already know if you know me. I am not the easiest person to understand. I am one of the most dramatic people you will probably meet (unless you know a lot of theatrical people). And so therefore life with me is just a confusing mess of trying to understand my moods swings. And God bless my sweet, sweet roommates and fellow dancers.

Remember when I said that thing about how God reminds me of the whole love thing? Let me tell you something about my wonderful sisters (speaking of all the dancers of Paradosi). Those girls are the most loving, forgiving people anyone will ever meet. Sometimes I just sit and stare at them all and thank God for their freaking beautiful hearts, and faces, and dancing.

 **side note: they are so absolutely beyond gorgeous dancers, every single one of them. Like really. I sit in amazement a lot because they're all so captivating**

"wait so why are you going on this whole rant/tangent thing?"

Simply because I am amazed. Amazed at how much love they all have. I can't tell you how much of a jerk I can be to them sometimes, and yet they look at me, give me my space because they know I need it, and come to me later with a huge hug and a heart full of love. It's ridiculous really. Ridiculous that someone can have that much love for a person. I thought that was only reserved for parents because they just love you no matter what. But this ministry that is my home has shown me that there are people that care. That are capable of this kind of love.

I have no doubt that I was placed here in Washington state to be a part of this wonderful ministry so that God could teach me about His love in a way that I never thought was possible. I always thought that love came from boys, and that was the end all. But life is so much more than that, and it has taken God bringing me away from everything I thought I always wanted, into a place that He knew I truly, truly wanted and needed.

So I guess that's my update on life. Yes, love is a hard concept. But because I actually listened to what God wanted for my life, He is showing me that it's a reality to have love, and to experience it daily in ways that you never thought possible.

With a simply amazed heart,

    the girl who is learning how to love